Wednesday, August 23, 2006

My life in a nutshell

Sometimes I have writer's block, or actually - it's thinker's block. Then again, maybe it is "thinker's attitude". My son got his driver's license last Friday. Seeing him drive away from the house on his own is that same feeling all over again from when I dropped him off at school for the first time. Kind of empty, scared, am I doing the right thing feeling. You know, throwing him out of the nest - but wanting to grab him back. I have admitted it before, I am an "OPM" (overprotective mom). Now it is time to let him go off with his friends, and hope that he is a good boy. I have never had a bit of trouble with him, I have nothing to complain about. I guess I am just afraid he will be influenced by peer pressure. Now I will be working on the second driver, my roomate's son, helping him get his learner's permit, teaching him to drive. Ah, such is the life of a stay at home mom.
My life has changed so much in the last two years since my disability retirement. Other friends my age are still working, so I really have nothing in common with them. I mostly stay at home doing laundry, cutting the grass, cooking dinner, doing the dishes and all that other domestic crap. Even the dogs are bored with me and have stopped following me around the house. When my roomate and the boys come home, they all begin doing their personal little projects; there is little conversation. I know that I am depressed about all this. I plan to start thinking about me for a change; next week will be all about ME! Do you think they will notice? Maybe when the laundry starts to pile up and there is no dinner on the table!


Motherkitty said...

Ah, Tuffy, you've got the ruts! You're in one and can't see up over the sides. We've all been there and done that.

Since I've also been "retired" on disability, after having worked all my life, I had to rethink my entire attitude. Instead of going out each day, dressed up and feeling important with my white-collar job and big paycheck, I was now relegated to staying at home 24/7 with husband!!!!! I thought, what would I do with myself every unstructured day? Would I be able to sleep late, eat breakfast in bed, read what I want, go where I want, and do what I want? It has not worked out that way. My internal clock still gets me up way too early and I'm ready to go to bed at 8 p.m. (except tonight because I'm sitting here at 11:30 p.m. blogging to you).

Having to go to therapy after my knee surgery gave me something to do every day, and swimming all summer also gave me something to do. But, how interesting is it to run the dishwasher once or twice a day and runn a load of clothes in the washer/dryer every day and vacuum and run errands and cook and dust. Ugh. I'm making myself sick. If I didn't have my computer and my blog friends, I would go absolutely stark, raving MAD!

Now that I'm healed from my surgery, I have decided to go back to work part-time (about 20 hours a week). I have given my resume to an attorney I know and it looks promising that I may be hired. If all works out the way I want it to, I will have some place to go to at least three days a week and can get the heck out of the house. I will be able to talk to other adults in person again. I will be able to dress up in something other than shorts and sandals and a tank top. I will be able to use my mind again.

I wish you could also find something to do to get your mind out of the funk you're in. Maybe it is the meds, or maybe it's the constraints of staying home being a housewife. Either way, it's easy to become depressed and harder to find something to make you feel better.

You should know, however, that your blogfriends became very concerned when you didn't blog for awhile and we're glad you're back. So, keep thinking happy thoughts and keep writing. That always helps.

Hope you have a good day tomorrow!

Joann said...

I am an OPM too!

Abandoned in Pasadena said...

Tuffenuf...While the boys are still at home I know that you have to be there for them and it's not as easy as those of us without kids at home, to put yourself first.

It's a little sad & scary, at the same time, to see your first child drive off by themselves...knowing that they will no longer need you to drive them anywhere. This is probably their real first step at independence and as mother's we sit back hoping that their upbringing shines thru and that they are not influenced, in a bad way, by their peers. This is the real test.

I think you are beginning to feel the empty nest thing although no one has actually left yet...driving away is the first step towards leaving someday.

I agree that it's time for you to start doing something for yourself...something that you enjoy doing. I'm glad that you have decided to start with whatever it is as early as next week...Good for you.

I had no problem with early retirement only because my kids were gone and my husband also retired at the same time. Unfortunately, a month after he retired we found out he had cancer and that caused me to look at life differently...(Like everyday could be your last day on earth, so you better enjoy every minute of it). That has been my philosophy for the last 12 years and how blessed can I be, my husband is a cancer survivor and so is my daughter.

We enjoy everyday doing things together and going places and meeting new people and visiting old friends. I will not let myself get depressed over something I have no control over, or things that haven't happend yet. I don't want to have any regrets if something should happen to a loved one.

Find yourself a hobby Tuffenuf and bring back that smile. Jimmy & I both know that housework is not very rewarding...that's why we only clean on the days that it rains. *LOL*
There are more important things in life...You'll just have to find what it is for you.

Texas2Tennessee said...

OK girl...start meet the most wonderful people and you make a difference in someone's life. Pick something you always wanted to do or have a passion for and find an organization that needs your help doing that very thing. I always wanted to be a Broadway star, but not. I volunteer in a summer program teaching children basic theatre skills.

p.s. Walking every day helps fight depression, especially if your shoelaces are hot pink!

TUFFENUF said...

Thank you all my blog buddies for the encouraging words. You put a smile on my face just knowing that you took the time to care. I feel better already!!!

Kerri said...

Hey, those aren't comments...they're short stories!! Nothing like a little advise from Blogfriends, is there?
I'm with you Tuff, housework is dreaded boring...avoid it as much as possible. That's my advise.
The first few days of the kids having their license is rather nerve racking, but it'll get better as time goes by. Expect them to do some stupid things...because they will! They're kids, after all. Didn't you when you were their age? I know I did. But they'll be fine, really!
Sending you a hug Tuff :) Hang in there!

doubleknot said...

There dosen't seem to be much to add to your comments every one said it all. I too stay at home on disabilty but can't get out much because of it. Blogging is a way for me to reach out. I have to stay flexiable and roll with what ever comes around - woke up late and my room mate left a note he had gone fishing - we were suppose to go buy ribs to cook but since he didn't leave his part of the grocery money I am stuck - oh well gives me a chance to blog a while.
Good luck to your son and his driving - I was scared to ride with my daughter when she first learned but she turned out to be an excellent driver. That was many years ago. I get depressed to but have to watch it and try not to let it over take me because I suffer from chronic depression any way.