Thursday, March 09, 2006

Studying Australia

Studying other countries is my most recent hobby, probably because of Google Earth.

The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humor.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV,how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks?(Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs in Australia? Can you send me a list of them inBrisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?(Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-i-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you
tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.


Motherkitty said...

I can't catch my breath, I'm laughing so hard.

Thanks for the biggest laugh I've had in a very long time. I've always said, "Out of the mouths of babes." What I should have said was, "Only tourists could think up these really stupid questions" and only a really smart-alecky pundit could think up these particularly funny answers. This was hilarious. Thanks.

Motherkitty said...

I forgot to say.

Now you know everything you need to know about Australia, right?

TUFFENUF said...

Well, MK, maybe -except I thought everyone lived in western Austraila and that everything else was the "outback"! I am learning, trying to figure out how to rent a motorhome and travel across the whole country!

Motherkitty said...

Tuffy, I think Sydney is on the east coast of Australia and our favorite Aussie GP I think lives in the lower right hand corner of the country.

From what I've read, the Australian outback covers most of the continent and is mostly dry and arid. I may be wrong but I think the biggest population centers are on the east coast and the west coast. The middle is pretty empty except for a lot of koalas, kangaroos, aborigines, and sheep stations.

To me it's pretty interesting but I don't know if I could stand a 17-hour flight just to get there.

jellyhead said...

Are these really from an official tourism site??! Are we Aussies trying to drive everyone away with our rudeness, or what?! These are funny but very cheeky replies!

Motherkitty is quite right - by far the majority of the population lives in the east. The major cities (in order of population) are Sydney, Melbourne and Brisbane. The nation's capital, Canberra (also east, but further inland), is smaller again in population, and is a very orderly, green and boring city full of politicians and their assistants, so I'd give that place a big swerve if you intend travelling over here! (It's kind of pleasing to the eye, but has no soul).

The centre of Australia has some really beautiful sights, at and around Uluru (also known as Ayers Rock). It would be a long way to drive to get there, though. Most people would fly in to Alice Springs, then hire a campervan from there, if they wanted to drive around the area. Fatty and I did that one holiday, pre-children.

The beaches in North Queensland, and some of the islands off the coast, are just stunning. There is a beach called Whitehaven beach that is just this long, long stretch of fine, white sand. I have been there, and thought it was the most beautiful beach ever.

I could go on & on about pretty places and interesting sights - let me know if you do make plans to come over, Tuff, and you'd like any lists of places of interest etc

TUFFENUF said...

Thanks so much my bloggies for so much information. Someday we will all get together for a bloggie convention!!! Austraila sounds beautiful, Jelly. Someday I will go there.

Abandoned in Pasadena said...

Those are hilarious answers...I must applaud whoever wrote that.
And Jelly...thanks for all the information on Australia.

jusdunno said...

great stuff